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Jokes & Laughter: 2005 onwards
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boldford



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 2727
Location: Glad to be no longer stuck on that linear parking lot known better as the M6

PostPosted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 5:34 pm    Post subject: Anyone for golf? Reply with quote

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --silence --

HUSBAND: "$*@t."
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Graham



Joined: 21 May 2011
Posts: 892
Location: The banks of the River Severn as it meanders through the sun dappled leafy glades of Worcestershire

PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 11:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just phoned up to check on train times.
A voice said "Good morning, ticket office"
I said "Is that the local railway station?"
He said "That depends on where you are calling from"
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Graham Phillips
Acting deputy assistant junior under minion, Bewdley Wagon Department.
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hearn_p



Joined: 15 Nov 2003
Posts: 5670
Location: North Somerset

PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2014 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I repost stuff, The Traffic Notice shows 2857 on CCE workings - ah. I think, the Chief Civil Engineer is doing work, filming perhaps.

'Meet the locomotives' comes out, with the 'Christmas Cracker Express'. D'oh!

Patrick
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Stato



Joined: 01 Jun 2005
Posts: 547
Location: Here there & everywhere

PostPosted: Tue Apr 28, 2015 8:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Patrick, just love that Monster Raving Loony Party idea and the Eighth Valley Railway in the Media http://forum.svra.org.uk/viewtopic.php?t=3391.
Brilliant. Could be an inside job.
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Graham



Joined: 21 May 2011
Posts: 892
Location: The banks of the River Severn as it meanders through the sun dappled leafy glades of Worcestershire

PostPosted: Mon Dec 07, 2015 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was talking to the Permanent Way gang today.
One of them said "We've bolted these rails together in a way that allows a train to travel along either one of two tracks."
Another one said "We've put a moving section of rail here where two tracks meet which allows a train to follow either path."
A third one said "We've used both straight and curved rails together so a train can go straight on or turn off."
I said "OK, you've made your point."
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Graham Phillips
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boldford



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 2727
Location: Glad to be no longer stuck on that linear parking lot known better as the M6

PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2015 1:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME

Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
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Peter Share



Joined: 30 Jul 2012
Posts: 312
Location: W'hampton

PostPosted: Tue Dec 15, 2015 3:24 pm    Post subject: Tazered Reply with quote

Cummon Boldford, the tension's killing me. Have you found them yet, or are you growing a new pair?

Peter
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Graham



Joined: 21 May 2011
Posts: 892
Location: The banks of the River Severn as it meanders through the sun dappled leafy glades of Worcestershire

PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2015 3:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The PW gang were so pleased with their work mentioned above that they held a party. The whole PW department were there. It was a great turnout.
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Graham



Joined: 21 May 2011
Posts: 892
Location: The banks of the River Severn as it meanders through the sun dappled leafy glades of Worcestershire

PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2015 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The new Diesel Depot workshop is so big that they've decided to allow other groups to share it by renting out spare space to the highest bidder.
Bridgnorth MPD have put a tender in.
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boldford



Joined: 11 Aug 2005
Posts: 2727
Location: Glad to be no longer stuck on that linear parking lot known better as the M6

PostPosted: Tue Jan 12, 2016 12:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I stress this has happened to neither my wife nor I but I couldn't resist re-posting it.

One for the Ladies

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss.

How hard can it be?

I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..

I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause.

She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.

‘IT WORKS!!

It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I’m numb by now.

Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……
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1: Those who back up their hard drives.
2: Those who have never had a hard drive crash.
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Stato



Joined: 01 Jun 2005
Posts: 547
Location: Here there & everywhere

PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

We are thrilled to announce that a Spitfire and Hurricane will perform flypasts at our Step Back to the 1940's Event this Summer (subject to conditions), with thanks to the RAF Battle of Britian Memorial Flight! Dates for the flypast will be released closer to the event.

guess they mean a Supermarine Spitfire and not a Triumph Spitfire. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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Stato (staying anonymous for personal reasons)
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Professional coffin dodger.
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Graham



Joined: 21 May 2011
Posts: 892
Location: The banks of the River Severn as it meanders through the sun dappled leafy glades of Worcestershire

PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And a Hawker Hurricane, not a Triumph Hurricane too. Wink
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Acting deputy assistant junior under minion, Bewdley Wagon Department.
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Graham



Joined: 21 May 2011
Posts: 892
Location: The banks of the River Severn as it meanders through the sun dappled leafy glades of Worcestershire

PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was in Bewdley today when someone asked for directions to Stanley Baldwin's house.
I said "Turn left at the church and it's at the end of the High Street, but there's no need to hurry, he died in 1947"
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Graham



Joined: 21 May 2011
Posts: 892
Location: The banks of the River Severn as it meanders through the sun dappled leafy glades of Worcestershire

PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was admiring the vegetable patch next to the signal box at Hampton Loade and thought I might create something similar on that patch of grass at Bewdley.
I haven't actually done any digging yet though, I'm still just turning it over in my mind.
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Graham



Joined: 21 May 2011
Posts: 892
Location: The banks of the River Severn as it meanders through the sun dappled leafy glades of Worcestershire

PostPosted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some sheep escaped on to the line near Arley yesterday.
After helping the farmer gather them together and shoo them back through the hole in the fence, he asked me to count them to make sure they were all there.
"There's thirty" I said
"But I've only got 28 sheep"
"Yes, I rounded them up"
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